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Veganism and the Five Pound Focus

1) I have gone vegan. Not only is it the right way to eat on an ethical standpoint but it's so much better for the environment and for your waistline. I have been eating a lot of raw food just because it's easier. On workdays my hope is to reduce my snacking. Meal prep is key and also kitchen appliances. I bought a dehydrator and juicer on amazon. The dehydrator is here and it's been running nearly 24 hours a day since I got it. Holy cow. I've been dehydrating fruit and veg so I have low cal snacks. I love this thing. The juicer isn't here yet because it's coming from Thailand. Of course, I'm worried that it won't come at all or it'll be broken but Amazon has great customer service so we'll see. I plan on buying lots of fruit and vegetables and taking a huge jar of juice with me to work for breakfast. Maybe lunch, too. I dunno how to count the calories of juiced produce, though. If you have any idea, please let me know.

2) I've found it's easier to focus on losing five pounds than to focus on my goal weight. Five pounds seems more attainable than 30. Once I lose this five, I'll move on to the next five and so on until I'm 110 pounds.
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And we're back.

Mother fucking fuck. I typed out this whole fucking entry and it just didn't post. Fuck this. I'll just put the end bit. Maybe if I'm less angry and buzzed tomorrow, I'll fix it.

Resting Burn: 1,276 calories
Active Burn: 507 calories
Total Burn: 1,783 calories

Eaten: 1,121 calories

Net: -662 calories

If every day were like today, I'd weigh 127.8lbs at Christmas. I'm a fat cow and I would still be a fat cow at Christmas. I can't let that happen.
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Wednesday Weigh-In

I hate to even type this out.  I'm going to because it seems like the only time I got results was when I actually held myself accountable so here goes:

I weigh 135.1 pounds.

Holy shit.  I am closer to my HW (142- 7 pounds away.) than I am to my LW (103 - 32 pounds away!)
This is unacceptable.  I have only peed this morning so I could weigh less after I finally poo, but even that'll be a fraction of a pound.  Boyfriend is going to visit his parents today for his dad's birthday.  He got me out of it by telling them he wanted to come early and spend a lot of time with his dad and I had plans today.  While he's gone, I'll walk downtown.  I've been doing this thing lately where I'll just walk around downtown, buy a coffee, walk til the coffee is gone, walk home.  A couple of days ago, I walked for 46 minutes straight and burned 122 calories.  (Doesn't that seem like too few calories?)

I just did some googling and in 46 minutes of hula hooping, I could burn 322 calories!  New plan- I'm going to hula hoop as long as possible.  According to fitnessblender.com, it burns 7 calories a minute.  That seems high but whatever.  We'll see.

Love you guys.  I'll check in later.  Boyfriend isn't even awake yet so I can't start hooping (omg, nobody calls it that) until he leaves.

thinspo

Dinner Update

When I left you I had consumed 359 calories total today.


Boyfriend got home. We ate our leftovers from last night. -_-
I ate the other half of my veggie burger (177) and some chips (146.5) and queso (67.5).

Today's total: 750 calories. I'm really disappointed in myself. Tomorrow, I will do better. Tonight, I'm going to work on finishing that liter of water before bed.
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Today Has Been A Day

So, I wrote down things in my journal as they came to me today with the plan to type it all up and post it here tonight. This is all prewritten in my sloppy cursive so I apologize if there are glaring mistakes.

8:43am
Haven't eaten yet. Gonna hold off until at least noon. Have had half a liter of water. Yesterday I didn't eat until 6pm. Then I drank half of a Frio 6.0 (90 calories) and things fell apart.

We went to the corn maze with Brian and Casey and I had a small swallow of whiskey (65) and 2 mouthfuls of Malibu Rum (102- Malibu is surprisingly low in calories). Up to then- now that I'm googling calories- it's not as bad as I thought. That 257 calories before 9pm.

After the maze, we went to a bar & grill. I had chips and salsa and a bit of cheese dip. This is all appalling looking back and definitely hate writing it down. I got a fried jalapeño veggie burger. It had cheese on it and fried (breaded) jalapeño and chipotle mayo. (MAYO- what was I thinking?) It came with a side and drunk, bingey me ordered baked mac & cheese.

This is why I need to quit drinking. Drunk me loses all reason and eats everything. Luckily, part of me realized what I was doing and stopped. I ate most of the mac & cheese (it wasn't even that good!) but I ate a little less than half of the burger.

The restaurant's website didn't have calorie counts so I'm using google to approximate calories:

Mac & Cheese - 203
Tortilla Chips - 293
Salsa - 48
Cheese Dip - 135
Hamburger Bun - 110 (half - 55)
Veggie Patty - 79 (half - 39.5)
Pepper Jack Cheese - 75 (half - 37.5)
Chipotle Mayo - 35 (half - 17.5)
Fried jalapeños - 55 (half - 27.5)
Total - 563 (Kill me)
Total for the day - 820, which isn't terrible but definitely seemed worse before I added everything.


10:17am
Just went and bought a coffee. They have a flavored coffee of the day where the beans themselves are flavored without syrups or anything so it doesn't add calories or sugar. It isn't sweet, just flavored. Today's flavor was Irish Cream. I didn't add creamer. Just Splenda. The lady behind the counter changed her hair. IT used to be in braids and now she has these honey-colored curls. I told her I loved her hair and her eyes lit up and she smiled. I love it when you say something that you know brightens somebody's day!

1:53pm
Just got back from lunch. I didn't eat until 1:23pm. I'm happy about that. I'm pretty pleased with my restraint at lunch, too.

Small portion veggie & rice soup - 59
Scoop of mashed potatoes - 80
Dannon Light & Fit Yogurt (strawberry cheesecake flavor) - 70
Total - 209

2:32pm
Finished the liter of water. At lunchtime, I bought a packet of lemonade-flavored sugar free Crystal Light. It's supposed to be added to 20oz of water and it's 5 calories per 2/5th of the packet. I'm going to drink 1 more liter of water and then I'll let myself have the lemonade.

8:39pm
I still haven't finished that second liter of water! I'm constantly dehydrated and this is why. At work, we got rid of a few patients and the floor wasn't completely packed so they sent me up to sit with a psych patient. She had a psychotic break from undiagnosed (and asymptomatic) schizophrenia. She was in restraints. Nothing kills the appetite like feeding chocolate pudding to a psych patient who is quite literally frothing at the mouth. Another positive from a negative situation, I had to sit with her without leaving. I mean, I got to run to the bathroom twice but I had no time to run downstairs and buy food so that was great!

On my way out of the hospital, I did stop by the snack shop and I bought a rice krispy treat and a soft pretzel (one of those big, salty ones). On my way to the car, I realized how much I would hate typing out that I ate both of them so I set the soft pretzel aside to give to the boyfriend and only ate the rice krispy treat (150). I like being accountable to you guys (even though there is no "you guys").

It is 8:47pm right now. I have eaten 359 calories today.

Boyfriend is playing pool. I'm home from work. I'm focusing on not walking to the kitchen and eating something. When the boyfriend gets home, he'll want to go eat. I must find the self-control not to do what I did last night. I'll just keep reminding myself that I have to step on a scale in the morning. Tomorrow is weigh day. Lets try and minimize the ammount of casualties.

I'm going to stop this here. I'll let you know how dinner goes. <3 Love you guys.
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The Plan

Okay, so it's 6:32pm, I haven't eaten anything today. I'm having my first calories of the day (a Frio 6.0- terrible beer, but 6 percent alcohol which is high for a beer- at 180 calories).

Oh! I found a picture of one of the girls I used to talk to on here!

I can't for the life of me remember her name. Tried to reverse search the picture but it's been reposted by so many people on pinterest and Russian blogs that I'll have no luck that way. If anybody recognizes her, let me know, huh?

SO- sorry am buzzed and am trying to keep my head on straight- the plan. Don't have much of one. It's not as if I'm about to do the ABC diet or anything. The thing is, I work two jobs. My vanilla job is in a hospital. It sucks. I hate it. I hate that job so freaking much. But I have to keep it until I've been there a year so that it won't look bad on my résumé.

My other job is as a camgirl. I'm not a successful one. I was more successful when I was thinner. Of course, correlation does not imply causation, but fuck- being skinny would not hurt my revenue at internet stripping.

ANYWAYYYY- I love stripping on the internet, I hate working at the hospital. I love being thin, I hate being a healthy weight. It follows that I should dig down and find the control that used to come so easily to me. What is the point of having all of these disordered fucking thoughts in my head if I'm going to stay a healthy weight!? I was going through my old posts on MPA where I'd listed my weight at the end of the posts and just- It was dropping! It never got to my goal weight

______Gotta take a break- boyfriend is taking me to a corn maze_____________________

Never finished this post last night!! Clearly, I am an excellent blogger. :/ Gonna post this as is and this write up a complete post for today. SO SORRY!
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Hello, Again: An Introductory Ramble

Why, hello there. Here marks another of my attempts to keep track of my life and weight with livejournal. Back in highschool I had a livejournal (I wish I could find the damned thing just for nostalgia's sake) and it was angsty and proa'na and there were pictures of Edie Sedgwick- real fucking predictable- and I'm not even ashamed that this journal will probably be much the same.

For one, this journal will also be proa'na. I'm putting the tiny accent mark in the hopes that whatever anti-ED search algorithm will miss it? Eh, it probably won't work. We'll see. I dunno if livejournal has cracked down on proa'na blogs or not. I do know that all of the old, familiar faces have disappeared.

In college, a couple of years after I inadvertently abandoned my old journal, I joined a website called myproa'na.com It used to be great. There were tips and tricks and the forums had a real feel of support and understanding but also the encouragement to lose weight. Yeah, I get that that might not have been a healthy environment, but it's what I wanted and what I miss. Now it's a strange place. The people there are proa'na, want to lose weight, want to know the easiest ways to fight hunger, but will jump your ass for asking the same questions.

I'll admit- I was one of those members, too. As soon as I'd see a noob post a thread asking for tips I would reply the Liz Lemon eye roll gif or some snarky comment about the oncoming shitstorm. I'm ashamed of myself for that. How crappy of me to pretend like I didn't end up on myproa'na looking for the same stuff. Of course, when I joined MPA it was a different place. (I say that fully aware that I won't leave MPA. Even though I can go months without logging in, I'm afraid to delete my account. People get it there.)

Anyway- I'm going to try and curb this ramble now. In my next post I'll put actual stats and some sort of plan or something. I dunno. If anybody does stumble upon this trainwreck, do you remember the old proa'na livejournals? I hope everybody is doing well.
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